What Is Disenfranchised Grief? Naming the Losses No One Sends Flowers For
Grief doesn’t just happen when we lose a loved one. It also shows up during and after huge life transitions.
For a very long time I only equated grief to the loss of a person. But as it turns out grief can show up during or after a divorce, loss of a job, or a major life change. I am no stranger to grief as I’ve experienced it in many forms, except, nobody handed me a term for it at the time. Turns out there is one and I was eventually able to name the thing I'd actually been experiencing.
Disenfranchised grief, a term Kenneth Doka named in 1989 for the losses nobody throws a funeral for. The types of grief that don’t get a casserole, a card, or a single day off. Grief exists in a space that isn't openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. I felt grief when I moved from LA to the Bay Area almost a decade ago, after a divorce, and more recently, when I lost my mom in March of 2025. The truth is I believed that we can only experience grief after losing a loved one. When we can identify our distress during big life changes as grief, we are one step closer to finding ways to navigate these changes in a way that is healing and helpful for our mental health and wellbeing.
Sometimes you have to reinvent who you are after a profound loss. Grief isn't just mourning the person, the marriage or the job; grief also means we are mourning the person we were before the loss.
I’ll keep this section light. I now know that when I moved to Oakland a decade ago, I was grieving my community. I had to get acquainted with a new city and neighborhood. I no longer had my family, friends, my favorite bars or restaurants nearby. I had to learn who I was in a new environment, build new relationships, create new routines, find new restaurants and bars, and learn new street names and routes home. I had to reinvent who Meli was away from “home.”
Grieving who I was after my mom passed has been the most difficult. I was happy, optimistic, and grounded. Now, I am more cynical, sad, and definitely more aware and grateful for the small things in life. A hard truth I learned is that I am never going to be the same. I lost my anchor, my home. I am still learning about who I am without her. Stay tuned!
If not provided space, grief will show up in unexpected, and unhealthy ways that can impact you and those closest to you.
Did you know that in California you get up to five days of bereavement leave? Five days. As I write this, it has been 521 days since my mom died, and I still experience days when I feel extremely sad and I don’t feel like getting up or being productive. We are expected to move through a loss by the end of a work week. Wild! So we cry, we process, and life moves forward, expecting us to catch up once our 5 days are over.
There are days I go to work and have a doctor’s appointment or a birthday to celebrate, and I don’t give grief enough space to co-exist with me because… LIFE. Which then means I become angry, irritable, sad, and all the while I am trying to keep up with my day-to-day responsibilities. And then, BOOM, I’m mean to my partner or friends, I’m arguing with everyone about the smallest, dumbest thing. It takes me a while to understand why I’m in the worst mood. But then I pause, and I sob, and I realize, oh yeah, my mom died.
The fact that the law only recognizes grief when someone dies but has nothing to say about your divorce or your move still blows my mind. I could have benefited from time off to process and prioritize my well-being. That IS disenfranchised grief with a government policy attached. The state will acknowledge your loss, but only the kind it has a box for. Like, what?!
Grief is there whether we acknowledge it or not, whether you lose a person, a version of yourself or your job. I’m learning the importance of inviting it in, otherwise, it spits fire out like a dragon, burning the people and the things I love the most.
Your grief deserves a lot more than five days off. If you're ready to give it some space before it starts breathing fire at the people you love, I would love to walk alongside you. Book a free 15-minute consultation with me at Tonalli here, or send us a message, and we'll be in touch soon!
Written by Tonalli Therapy & Consulting Staff Clinician, Melissa Albarenga, ASW
References: Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
